So, last night at about 11:00 pm, I found myself tossing and turning in my bed. I thought at first that i was just upset by some news we had gotten earlier that evening that my step-daughter Hannah's mom might not be allowing her to go on a missions trip to Costa Rica with Kevin, my daughter Ali and me. We were really hoping to raise all the money we would need to go, and that this would be a trip that would forever change our lives and the lives of our girls. It seemed like God had dropped this idea in my lap pretty suddenly and it was just what we needed as a blended family of 9, to kind of help us along in the bonding process.
You see, my daughter Ali, at the ripe age of 13, seems to loathe going to youth group on Wednesday evenings. Seems like my step-daughter Hannah, age 15, kind of feels the same. I've been praying that God would help me meet them where they are and find some way to encourage them in their spiritual journey. Ali has always had a tender heart for the needy. So when God put the idea in my head and on my heart, to go to Costa Rica with my girls on a 10 day missions trip, I immediately shared it with Ali and she was ready to pack her bags and head out! I just kind of assumed her Dad and Hannah's mom would be peachy with the idea. Yeah, not sure what planet I was on at that moment!
I completely understand her mothers heart. Its scary to think of sending your daughter to another country without you, and shes thinking it may be dangerous since they are in actual need of a missions trip. Understandable.
So there I am in bed, tossing and turning and trying to figure out why God would lay this on my heart if it wasnt going to happen exactly the way I saw it in my head. Here is a little bit of my 3 hour long conversation with God from 11 p.m.-2:30 a.m. " Lord, was it really you that planted this thought of a missions trip in my head? Or was it Satan? Is this trip going to be dangerous? Cuz if it is, I dont wanna take my daughter there either! You know I hate flying Lord. I never even thought twice about doing a missions trip....even when they mentioned this in church last year....why now, if its not of you? I really hate flying Lord. This is too scary. Maybe its not safe. We should all just stay home and try to go another year. OOOH....maybe Satan is trying to get us NOT to go and this fear I'm feeling is from HIM and not YOU Lord! Still....I really do hate flying....better safe than sorry....we dont have the money anyway and trying to do a fundraiser for all of us would be a lot of work. Oh, yeah, thats right...if you call us to go, you will provide all our needs, so thats taken care of already. You will equip us for the task. sigh..... okay God, would you PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME???? Okay, okay, I cant hear you. I need to be quieter. ugh....that stupid fan is just too loud! (i cover my ears with my hands while my hubby is fast asleep next to me) okay thats better......its quiet now.....still cant hear you Lord!! Why arent you speaking to me? I'm not asking for an audible thing here....speak to my heart, or my brain, or my consience! Oh, for crying out loud!! Its still not quiet because I KEEP ON TALKING!!! I cant seem to shut up in my own head! Good grief! O.K....I'm being quiet now....speak Lord, speak Lord, and not through your word like you usually do...I need more than that right now....and I'm not being quiet again! OH FORGET IT!!!"
So thats just a taste of my one sided conversation with God. :) And then I decided to relent. Here were my last thoughts before finally slipping off to sleep. " I trust you God. And I've decided that even if you dont answer me tonight, even if you are playing hide and seek with me right now, even if you have turned away from this wicked wretch of a child because I'm too wicked and too.....wretched....you are not gonna get rid of me that easily! I will never give up on you Lord!! I will seek you for the rest of my days! I will seek righteousness and holiness for the rest of my days! Even if I am not guaranteed a home in Heaven in the end. I will NOT give up on you because I LOVE YOU!! Even though I dont even always get that part right. Even though I will never be capable of giving you ALL the praise that you deserve. I will never stop trying. I will never stray from you again. I will forever stalk you Lord. :)
And in that, I realize, the Lord spoke to me through....me....I guess. Because everything I just said about never giving up on him no matter what.....well, thats what HE says to me every day. It was like a huge DITTO was forever imprinted on my brain. From this moment on, I will remember last night the night God was quiet. Guess I didnt leave Him much room to talk, but He found a way after all. It may not have been the answer to my inital question, but the answer He gave me was better. Its all that really matters in the end. Everything else will happen exactly the way HE plans it. I need only to be still. Still working on that. ;)
Friday, January 25, 2013
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Prayer Conference 2012
So here's my story of what happened at the prayer conference we attended this fall. Its nothing short of amazing!
The fact that we got there without having to put forth a dime of our own money was the first miracle we saw happen. God provided everything from beginning to end. He knew we needed to be there, and once we got there, WE knew why!
The very first night we entered Crossroads church we were immediately struck with the fervency with which the people in that room were praying! People were crying out to God and they werent whispering cries that come from the soul that only the Lord can hear, they were literally CRYING out!! Many were at the alter on their knees and some were even lower than that. Some laying almost flat on the ground. I sat and watched for a bit as this was kind of new to my senses! Then I closed my eyes and just sat. I tried to listen for Gods voice and feel His presence. It didnt take very long before I realized I was in a completely different place than I had been an hour earlier. I don't mean a different building....I mean a different place. A place where Gods manifest presence was dwelling. By manifest I mean, literally, His PERSONAL presence was there.
Nothing about the service seemed planned to me. I believe almost 100% of it was completely led by the Holy Spirit! WOW! Please dont misunderstand me...I understand that we need some structure to our services, but why is it that we feel like we have to put so MUCH into planning the songs and order of the service, and our Pastors (some of them...not all...Our own Pastor has been VERY sensitive this year to the Spirits leading) spend so much time and hard work preparing a sermon that pales in comparison to what will happen in our services when the ALMIGHTY shows up! What FAITH it takes, to just step aside and allow God Himself to completely take over!
Like I said, this was completely new to my senses. I heard cries that can only come from deep within someones spirit taking a voice of their own and being expressed with such freedom it was overwhelming! At one point, I recall Pastor Cindi saying " I bet this is what it sounded like when Jesus was at the Marketplace." Yep, I bet when Jesus was healing and casting demons out, people werent holding back for fear of what others would think. Pretty sure people just cried out in praise! We are told of Jesus' triumphal entry in Mattew 21:9 that "The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed SHOUTED "Hosanna to the Son of David!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Hosanna in the highest!" What would happen if we SHOUTED when we were in Gods Holy presence? Doesnt He deserve so much more than that even? And how are we even content to just sit in church service after church service never having been stirred by the Holy Spirit?
The problem is that we have just become "used to" church. Its something we do on Sundays. Sure, our motives may be pure. We say we are going to church to worship. But what exactly does worship look like?
In Texas, worship that week was like everything else in Texas....BIG!! MAN.....they did not hold back ANYTHING! But I believe with everything in me that worship is not truly happening today in many churches in America. Sadly, I believe there are even big churches...with big attendence who are just plain dead.
When I think of worship, I picture, of all people, the Muslims! The way they get on the ground and bow completely down! Or I think of churches so on fire that people start shouting out loud in the middle of a song or prayer or sermon! I think we hold back WAY to much in our worship! And Gods word says if we keep quiet, the stones will cry out! (Luke 19:40) We cannot let that happen! We were made to worship HIM!!! When we begin to worship like that, I believe God opens Heaven and POURS down His Spirit on us!
There was one morning at prayer conference when I felt like God opened Heaven and it literally touched Earth in that room! We were singing Holy, Holy, Holy, if I remember correctly, and everytime I closed my eyes, I truly believe I could see the shadow of the Holy Spirit passing in front of my eyes. I began weeping, because the presence of God was almost tangible. I could barely stand up under it.
This is just how it is when we get so desperate for Gods manifest presence to show up that we literally beg for it! We have to hunger for it. Thirst deeply for it. And never stop asking for it! And when He shows up?.....well our lives will never be the same. We will never want to miss church again!
The fact that we got there without having to put forth a dime of our own money was the first miracle we saw happen. God provided everything from beginning to end. He knew we needed to be there, and once we got there, WE knew why!
The very first night we entered Crossroads church we were immediately struck with the fervency with which the people in that room were praying! People were crying out to God and they werent whispering cries that come from the soul that only the Lord can hear, they were literally CRYING out!! Many were at the alter on their knees and some were even lower than that. Some laying almost flat on the ground. I sat and watched for a bit as this was kind of new to my senses! Then I closed my eyes and just sat. I tried to listen for Gods voice and feel His presence. It didnt take very long before I realized I was in a completely different place than I had been an hour earlier. I don't mean a different building....I mean a different place. A place where Gods manifest presence was dwelling. By manifest I mean, literally, His PERSONAL presence was there.
Nothing about the service seemed planned to me. I believe almost 100% of it was completely led by the Holy Spirit! WOW! Please dont misunderstand me...I understand that we need some structure to our services, but why is it that we feel like we have to put so MUCH into planning the songs and order of the service, and our Pastors (some of them...not all...Our own Pastor has been VERY sensitive this year to the Spirits leading) spend so much time and hard work preparing a sermon that pales in comparison to what will happen in our services when the ALMIGHTY shows up! What FAITH it takes, to just step aside and allow God Himself to completely take over!
Like I said, this was completely new to my senses. I heard cries that can only come from deep within someones spirit taking a voice of their own and being expressed with such freedom it was overwhelming! At one point, I recall Pastor Cindi saying " I bet this is what it sounded like when Jesus was at the Marketplace." Yep, I bet when Jesus was healing and casting demons out, people werent holding back for fear of what others would think. Pretty sure people just cried out in praise! We are told of Jesus' triumphal entry in Mattew 21:9 that "The crowds that went ahead of him and those that followed SHOUTED "Hosanna to the Son of David!" "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Hosanna in the highest!" What would happen if we SHOUTED when we were in Gods Holy presence? Doesnt He deserve so much more than that even? And how are we even content to just sit in church service after church service never having been stirred by the Holy Spirit?
The problem is that we have just become "used to" church. Its something we do on Sundays. Sure, our motives may be pure. We say we are going to church to worship. But what exactly does worship look like?
In Texas, worship that week was like everything else in Texas....BIG!! MAN.....they did not hold back ANYTHING! But I believe with everything in me that worship is not truly happening today in many churches in America. Sadly, I believe there are even big churches...with big attendence who are just plain dead.
When I think of worship, I picture, of all people, the Muslims! The way they get on the ground and bow completely down! Or I think of churches so on fire that people start shouting out loud in the middle of a song or prayer or sermon! I think we hold back WAY to much in our worship! And Gods word says if we keep quiet, the stones will cry out! (Luke 19:40) We cannot let that happen! We were made to worship HIM!!! When we begin to worship like that, I believe God opens Heaven and POURS down His Spirit on us!
There was one morning at prayer conference when I felt like God opened Heaven and it literally touched Earth in that room! We were singing Holy, Holy, Holy, if I remember correctly, and everytime I closed my eyes, I truly believe I could see the shadow of the Holy Spirit passing in front of my eyes. I began weeping, because the presence of God was almost tangible. I could barely stand up under it.
This is just how it is when we get so desperate for Gods manifest presence to show up that we literally beg for it! We have to hunger for it. Thirst deeply for it. And never stop asking for it! And when He shows up?.....well our lives will never be the same. We will never want to miss church again!
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Learning to trust....with yet another thing
Today I begin the 8th day of a 21 day journey to draw into a closer, more intimate walk with my Lord. Its called "The Daniel Fast". A few of the Ladies from my church decided they wanted to do this together, beginning at the first of the year, in order to give God the firstfruits of our year. The idea is to fast from certain foods, as Daniel did in the bible, and while detoxing the body, creating a hunger and thirst that is not for the foods of this world, but rather a hunger and thirst that can only be filled by our God. In so doing, we begin to fill ourselves on His HOLY WORD! Through prayer and devotion and the continual reading of His Word, we are transformed and find ourselves in a much closer relationship than when we started.
This morning, I awoke and found myself in a quandary. I love when God reveals things to us when it isnt even light outside yet. I got out of bed and began to journal. I will share the prayer from my journal in just a moment, but I feel like I need to explain that last night at our prayer meeting at church, I felt like I had very little to repent for. I try to begin each Tuesday night with repentence. One of our Pastors once said that at the times they didnt think they had anything to repent for, they would ask the Holy Spirit to show them what to repent of, and it would always come. I did that last night, and I felt like I was really searching to come up with anything. Then this morning....WHAM! The Lord finally came through! For some, this may not seem like a big deal....but in my life....this is HUGE! You see, as a byproduct of doing this fast, I have asked the Lord to help me fight and win the battle I have had with food and dieting all my adult life. I need to put this love for food to death! It has become an idol of sorts in my life. I'm tired of gaining weight, feeling like a failure and starting a diet. Then gaining weight, feeling like a failure and starting a diet. I care WAY too much about my weight. And not enough about taking care of the body God has given me. So while my main purpose in doing the Daniel Fast isnt to lose weight... I am fasting and praying about letting go of the issues I have with food. Hopefully thats enough background... Here is the prayer from my journal.
God, I feel like you just spoke something huge to me. I have yet ANOTHER issue with trusting you! Another addiction to break. Every morning for a very long time, I have gotten up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and weigh myself. I didnt stop that when I began the Daniel Fast. I continue to get up, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and step on a little square machine to wait for the numbers that will tell me if I "worked hard enough" the day before. I need freedom from this monster! I need to put my trust in you! I have asked you to help me end this battle with food once and for all. Yet, I'm still using a man made device to tell me if I fought the battle hard enough or good enough. Where is my trust? You could have carried the Israelites through that desert, had they only trusted in you! The desert was a time of testing for sure. But one they could have passed much more quickly than they did.....40 years. Wow.
This battle I have ahead of me is not for me to fight alone, just as the Israelites didnt have to go through the desert on their own! I'm reminded of Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". Being still, to me, means i must let go and trust you! If I am seeking your kingdom first and above all else, all of the rest of these things will be added unto me! Your Word says it! I know I can ask you for things that line up with your will and they will be given to me! This battle I have had with food and dieting for 30 years ( the Israelites dont have much on me!) is certainly NOT your will! Your will is to see me delivered from this bondage! Therefore....you are on my side! You will help me fight the battle! I have only to arm myself with the Word of God and this battle I can surely claim! So no more scale! At least not until day 21 when I can boast of YOUR good works, not my own. The battle for me today is much more in letting go of that scale addiction than anything else.
Putting my trust in you 100% is definitely a test for me sometimes. But I do trust you God! And if I can trust you with SOME things, then I can trust you with EVERYTHING!! Thank you O Sovereign Lord for showing me such compassion, patience and LOVE! In you I will put my trust now and forever more. Amen.
This morning, I awoke and found myself in a quandary. I love when God reveals things to us when it isnt even light outside yet. I got out of bed and began to journal. I will share the prayer from my journal in just a moment, but I feel like I need to explain that last night at our prayer meeting at church, I felt like I had very little to repent for. I try to begin each Tuesday night with repentence. One of our Pastors once said that at the times they didnt think they had anything to repent for, they would ask the Holy Spirit to show them what to repent of, and it would always come. I did that last night, and I felt like I was really searching to come up with anything. Then this morning....WHAM! The Lord finally came through! For some, this may not seem like a big deal....but in my life....this is HUGE! You see, as a byproduct of doing this fast, I have asked the Lord to help me fight and win the battle I have had with food and dieting all my adult life. I need to put this love for food to death! It has become an idol of sorts in my life. I'm tired of gaining weight, feeling like a failure and starting a diet. Then gaining weight, feeling like a failure and starting a diet. I care WAY too much about my weight. And not enough about taking care of the body God has given me. So while my main purpose in doing the Daniel Fast isnt to lose weight... I am fasting and praying about letting go of the issues I have with food. Hopefully thats enough background... Here is the prayer from my journal.
God, I feel like you just spoke something huge to me. I have yet ANOTHER issue with trusting you! Another addiction to break. Every morning for a very long time, I have gotten up to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and weigh myself. I didnt stop that when I began the Daniel Fast. I continue to get up, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and step on a little square machine to wait for the numbers that will tell me if I "worked hard enough" the day before. I need freedom from this monster! I need to put my trust in you! I have asked you to help me end this battle with food once and for all. Yet, I'm still using a man made device to tell me if I fought the battle hard enough or good enough. Where is my trust? You could have carried the Israelites through that desert, had they only trusted in you! The desert was a time of testing for sure. But one they could have passed much more quickly than they did.....40 years. Wow.
This battle I have ahead of me is not for me to fight alone, just as the Israelites didnt have to go through the desert on their own! I'm reminded of Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still". Being still, to me, means i must let go and trust you! If I am seeking your kingdom first and above all else, all of the rest of these things will be added unto me! Your Word says it! I know I can ask you for things that line up with your will and they will be given to me! This battle I have had with food and dieting for 30 years ( the Israelites dont have much on me!) is certainly NOT your will! Your will is to see me delivered from this bondage! Therefore....you are on my side! You will help me fight the battle! I have only to arm myself with the Word of God and this battle I can surely claim! So no more scale! At least not until day 21 when I can boast of YOUR good works, not my own. The battle for me today is much more in letting go of that scale addiction than anything else.
Putting my trust in you 100% is definitely a test for me sometimes. But I do trust you God! And if I can trust you with SOME things, then I can trust you with EVERYTHING!! Thank you O Sovereign Lord for showing me such compassion, patience and LOVE! In you I will put my trust now and forever more. Amen.
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