So, last night at about 11:00 pm, I found myself tossing and turning in my bed. I thought at first that i was just upset by some news we had gotten earlier that evening that my step-daughter Hannah's mom might not be allowing her to go on a missions trip to Costa Rica with Kevin, my daughter Ali and me. We were really hoping to raise all the money we would need to go, and that this would be a trip that would forever change our lives and the lives of our girls. It seemed like God had dropped this idea in my lap pretty suddenly and it was just what we needed as a blended family of 9, to kind of help us along in the bonding process.
You see, my daughter Ali, at the ripe age of 13, seems to loathe going to youth group on Wednesday evenings. Seems like my step-daughter Hannah, age 15, kind of feels the same. I've been praying that God would help me meet them where they are and find some way to encourage them in their spiritual journey. Ali has always had a tender heart for the needy. So when God put the idea in my head and on my heart, to go to Costa Rica with my girls on a 10 day missions trip, I immediately shared it with Ali and she was ready to pack her bags and head out! I just kind of assumed her Dad and Hannah's mom would be peachy with the idea. Yeah, not sure what planet I was on at that moment!
I completely understand her mothers heart. Its scary to think of sending your daughter to another country without you, and shes thinking it may be dangerous since they are in actual need of a missions trip. Understandable.
So there I am in bed, tossing and turning and trying to figure out why God would lay this on my heart if it wasnt going to happen exactly the way I saw it in my head. Here is a little bit of my 3 hour long conversation with God from 11 p.m.-2:30 a.m. " Lord, was it really you that planted this thought of a missions trip in my head? Or was it Satan? Is this trip going to be dangerous? Cuz if it is, I dont wanna take my daughter there either! You know I hate flying Lord. I never even thought twice about doing a missions trip....even when they mentioned this in church last year....why now, if its not of you? I really hate flying Lord. This is too scary. Maybe its not safe. We should all just stay home and try to go another year. OOOH....maybe Satan is trying to get us NOT to go and this fear I'm feeling is from HIM and not YOU Lord! Still....I really do hate flying....better safe than sorry....we dont have the money anyway and trying to do a fundraiser for all of us would be a lot of work. Oh, yeah, thats right...if you call us to go, you will provide all our needs, so thats taken care of already. You will equip us for the task. sigh..... okay God, would you PLEASE JUST TALK TO ME???? Okay, okay, I cant hear you. I need to be quieter. ugh....that stupid fan is just too loud! (i cover my ears with my hands while my hubby is fast asleep next to me) okay thats better......its quiet now.....still cant hear you Lord!! Why arent you speaking to me? I'm not asking for an audible thing here....speak to my heart, or my brain, or my consience! Oh, for crying out loud!! Its still not quiet because I KEEP ON TALKING!!! I cant seem to shut up in my own head! Good grief! O.K....I'm being quiet now....speak Lord, speak Lord, and not through your word like you usually do...I need more than that right now....and I'm not being quiet again! OH FORGET IT!!!"
So thats just a taste of my one sided conversation with God. :) And then I decided to relent. Here were my last thoughts before finally slipping off to sleep. " I trust you God. And I've decided that even if you dont answer me tonight, even if you are playing hide and seek with me right now, even if you have turned away from this wicked wretch of a child because I'm too wicked and too.....wretched....you are not gonna get rid of me that easily! I will never give up on you Lord!! I will seek you for the rest of my days! I will seek righteousness and holiness for the rest of my days! Even if I am not guaranteed a home in Heaven in the end. I will NOT give up on you because I LOVE YOU!! Even though I dont even always get that part right. Even though I will never be capable of giving you ALL the praise that you deserve. I will never stop trying. I will never stray from you again. I will forever stalk you Lord. :)
And in that, I realize, the Lord spoke to me through....me....I guess. Because everything I just said about never giving up on him no matter what.....well, thats what HE says to me every day. It was like a huge DITTO was forever imprinted on my brain. From this moment on, I will remember last night the night God was quiet. Guess I didnt leave Him much room to talk, but He found a way after all. It may not have been the answer to my inital question, but the answer He gave me was better. Its all that really matters in the end. Everything else will happen exactly the way HE plans it. I need only to be still. Still working on that. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment